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(Afri)Genealogy Humor

July 2003

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Zebra, what _ you?
Contributed by Ernie Graves & Lisa Wilkins

A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that has bothered me all of my days on earth. Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That is a question that only God can answer." So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please, I must know, am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?" God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more. St. Peter asked, "Well, did God straighten out your question for you?" The zebra looked puzzled. "Well, no sir - not exactly. God simply said, ' are what you are.'"

St.Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it - you are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, `You is what you is'."

Posted by
Webguru @ 11:49 am EST

Sunday, July 27, 2003

What Is A Genealogist?

A full-time detective
A thorough historian
An inveterate snoop
A confirmed diplomat
A keen observer
A hardened sceptic
An apt biographer
A qualified linguist
A part-time lawyer
A studious sociologist
An accurate reporter
An hieroglyphics expert,
AND . . .
A complete nut!

Are You a Genealogist?

wide-brimmed hat to ward off sun & rain in cemeteries
trifocal glasses
sticky tongue from licking stamps
muscular right arm from cranking microfilm readers
carpal tunnel syndrome from using computer
writer's cramp from taking notes
shirt with large pockets for pencils & membership cards
vest with pedigree chart on back for others to read
coin changer on belt for photocopy machines
knee pads for finding books on low shelves
sensible shoes

portable computer
camera with black-and-white film for gravestones
many file folders with charts
pencils of various colors
peanut butter sandwiches
caffeine pills

Genealogy Humor

Posted by Webguru @ 2:41 am EST

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Great Insights to Brighten Your Day

I've learned that the road to success and the road to happiness are two lanes of the same highway. And the toll you must pay is simply being true to yourself. Age 40

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 29

I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 7

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

Source: BRAM Net Humor
Posted by Webguru @ 1:47 am EST

Sunday, July 06, 2003

The Genealogist's Lament
Author Unknown

I started out calmly, tracing my tree,
To find, if I could, the making of me;
And all that I had was great grandfather's name,
Not knowing his wife or from which he came.

I chased him across a long line of states,
And came up with pages and pages of dates.
When all put together, it made me forlorn;
I'd proved that poor grandpa had never been born.

One day, I was sure the truth I had found,
Determined to turn this whole thing upside down.
I looked up the record of one Uncle John,
But then found the old man was as young as his son.

Then, when my hopes were fast growing dim,
I came across records that must have been him.
But the facts I collected made me quite sad,
Dear old great grandpa was never a dad.

I think maybe someone is pulling my leg,
I'm not all sure I wasn't hatched from an egg,
After hundreds of dollars I've spent on my tree,
I cannot help but wonder if I'm really me.

Source: Vicky Daviss Mitchell
Posted by Webguru @ 7:55 am EST

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

Rules for Writers

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word Sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Source: Gregath Publishing - Humor
Posted by Webguru @ 10:47 pm EST

25 Jun 2003 :: 01 Sep 2007
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