AfriGeneas Writers Forum
Re: Short Poem needs Critique
In Response To: Short Poem needs Critique ()
Thank you for posting your poem on the Afrigeneas Writers Forum. I loved it.
It's very important for you and other visitors to note that poems,excerps from journals, critiques, news journalism, comparison of cultures, short stories, profiles of writers of poetry, music, art etc. should have an African American cultural link or perspective. Therefore genealogy is one of many themes that's included in the Writers Forum.
All of us are willing to help fellow writers.
So again, thanks so very much for your poem.
First of all, I loved your poem.
I made some small additions (accents) and suggested a pause/break or new paragraph. But please note, my suggestions may not be appropriate to what your words are trying to convey or the emphasis of one sentence or phrase.
For instance I added (') when you wrote in vernacular. In other instances, you wrote words without vernacular. Was that deliberate?
The last line of your poem is:
"And then she said “Honey Hush”
I love the phrase "Honey Hush". It's strong, it conveys a many a meaning for a cultural phrase used by us, our friends and family. Loved it!
But I had to think for a moment as to who "she" was. Perhaps because the lines before it evoked such strong images.
I loved the phrase: "a man who changes like the wind" Wow! Great!
You'll notice that I didn't add accents/question marks in the second part of the poem. Perhaps I should leave this up to you. Sometimes too many accents may take away from the flow and also distract the eye of the reader.
It's a fabulous poem. Congratulations.
I know, after reading my compliments you'll probably say "Honey Hush"
BELOW IS YOUR POEM with my suggestions. I do hope that other poets on this page may add their support and comments.
by Vicky Daviss Mitchell
Sittin' on the front porch, minding my own business
When a friend of mine came by
What cha doin' she said sittin' out here by your lonesome?
You look like you 'bout to cry
Oh I am fine I told her
I was just thinking
how it will be when I am grown.
Will I pick up cans on the side of the road?
Will I have to clean other peoples homes?
SUGGEST A SPACE OR NEW PARAGRAPH
Will I be the one to cry all night
'till my pillow gets soak’n wet?
Worrying 'bout my children when things ain’t right
And the bills haven’t been paid yet
Will I regret being married to a man who changes like the wind
Stayin out all night reeking of wine, beer and gin
One who gets home in time for dinner
Then back out again
And then she said “Honey Hush”